How can I stop feeling so desperate?!

I really want a boyfriend. How can I stop feeling so desperate?! Desperado, QLD

Dear Desperado QLD

Why on earth would anyone want to be in a relationship? It's expensive. It's boring. It can even be dangerous to your health! Here is a list of some of the reasons why being single rocks!

1. Birthdays, Valentine's Day, Christmas Day, Anniversaries ...
There is always another present you need to buy when you're in a relationship, and they all result in a major dent in your wallet. When you're single you've always got cash for yourself. You can buy that CD you've been wanting, or that top you've had your eye on. But when you have a partner, its always cutesy little gifts, chocolates, dinners, movie tickets ... the expenses never end! Consider being single an effective savings account.

2. MMMMAAAAATTTTTEEEE!
When you're single, you always have time for your friends. You're free to go to parties, go shopping, and just generally hang out whenever you want. When you're in a relationship, it's like having an extra mum. You have to get permission to see your mates, just in case you've already got "couple plans." And you're going to have to check in at some stage, whether that be calling or sending a text. So if you're sitting around bored and worried about being single, just go call your mates and have some fun, while you still can!

3. Let's go for a walk!
Partners are inevitably going to want to do something that you will find incredibly boring and lame. Whether this be going to sporting matches, watching a crap movie, or just generally spending quality time together. Save yourself the trials and tribulations of other people's interests and stay single!

4. It's not you, it's me.
What's the worst part of being in a relationship you ask? Getting dumped of course! There is nothing worse than getting the boot from a partner. Most people have heard the dreaded words, "It's not you, it's me" or "I think we've grown apart," or "I need space" (interesting how the amount of space they need is always the exact same height, width and depth as you). Save yourself the pain, tears and five kilos you'll put on eating comfort food.

5. Pop offs
That's right, letting one rip. It's just not possible while your partner is around. You could find yourself trapping one in for hours so as not to offend or turn-off your loved one. And that is very dangerous. It is scientifically proven that if you hold a fart in for too long, you will spontaneously combust. That's right - explode! And you don't want to explode, do you?

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